Friday 14 November 2014

Cows.


My friend Pippa Smith originally sent me a facebook version of this but I couldn't put it up here (technical problems), so I hunted around on the net and found a million versions. I've stolen this one, altered it a bit, made some deletions and for once, I won't credit the author because (he or she) stole it too.

It's a common work of the net and I don't necessarily agree with all of it but it made me chuckle.

A Lesson in Politics and Culture:

 

SOCIALISM

 

You have 2 cows.

 

The State takes one and gives it to your neighbour who doesn’t have a field to put it in.

 

COMMUNISM

 

You have 2 cows.

 

The State takes both and gives you some milk. Then the cows die due to neglect.

 

FASCISM

 

You have 2 cows.

 

The State takes both and sells you some milk. Then the cows die in the war.

 

NAZISM

 

You have 2 cows.

 

The State takes both and shoots you. Then the cows are killed in the war.
 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

 

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.
You employ someone to look after them but pay them peanuts
Your herd multiplies even though you did no work and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.
The worker is unemployed

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION 

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
 

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

 

You have two cows.

 

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

 

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

 

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

 

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet is provided with the release.
 
The public then buys your bull.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide. 
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
 

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

 
You have two cows.
 

You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

 

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them in a vault.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

 
You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the hell out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are called a Democracy.

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


SURREALISM
 

You have two giraffes.

 

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
 
 
 
Neil Harris
(a don't stop till you drop production)
 
 
 

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