No Sundance ending.

Well, I finally made it - after a week or so of battling I've got in touch with the Hospice and had a chat with them. I've transferred Doctor, got myself legitimate.

Someone's coming to visit next week and in the mean time I've been given some advice about painkillers. I'm stopping one I've taken for about six months, so I'll be going cold turkey over that. Meanwhile, I'm taking a lot more of another, spread through the day.

I'm sure they know what they are doing and confident it will work, but I've been very depressed all day.

Ever since I was diagnosed, I knew how bad my cancer was, I had no illusions. If I had, I would have soon lost them. Treatment after treatment failed far too quickly, some didn't work at all.

I shook my cancer by the throat. Every time a Doctor or a nurse looked at my file and their head slumped, shoulders fell as they read it......I put my hands around the cancers throat and just squeezed.

I fought tooth and nail.

Now, it's all about acceptance. A passive acceptance of losing and that's not what I'm about.

Partly, I think, it's the difference between men and women. Robyn says it's no surprise that women are more accepting of things like this; they've been oppressed for 100,000's of thousands of years - how else do you deal with it.

Me, I'm looking for a Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid ending. Running at the guns, going out in a blaze of glory.

This, is all a lot harder to deal with.

So, I'm doing the right thing, but I'm still sad about it all.

Neil Harris
(a don't stop till you drop production)
Home: helpmesortoutstpeters.blogspot.com
Contact me: neilwithpromisestokeep@gmail.com