Friday, 4 July 2014


You are probably familiar with the work of my incredibly expensive advertising agency and public relations firm (Bollinger, Burbery, Mulbery and Crystal) which has cost me a fortune and so far has produced very few results. Mind you there were some incredible nibbles at the launch parties.
You may not be aware that my substantial portfolio of investments is being managed by my hedge fund;

Chase Morgan Paribas™©

(Russian branch; Olly Gark and Associates of Mayfair)


There has been a disaster.

Sadly, relying on their shrewd (if expensive) financial advice has proved to be a big mistake.

During the world cup I was going to make a major investment; Tesco’s were offering Lager at three cases for £24;


Unfortunately, acting on their advice I delayed making this substantial investment; go short on Lager they said, be a player in the futures market;


Sadly despite there being a mountain of unsold Lager (due to England’s football team having lost all sense of direction in Brasil) the Lager offers are a bit thin on the ground now.

So, I gave up on the world of high finance and the complex algorithms they use and stood side by side with some of the greatest mathematicians this country has ever produced.

I went down to Tesco’s and stood in line with the middle aged men desperately trying to compare the normal price of lager with the following variables;

a) number of bottles/cans per case

b) volume by millilitres per can as compared with bottle.

C) effect of ‘buy two cases for £18’ on price per bottle/can.

d) strength of lager

e) quality of lager.

f) embarrassment factor from buying veeeery unfashionable lager.

g) benefit of buying trendy lager.

h) number of remaining world cup matches.

i) level of thirst

If 24 bottles × [a+b] + c  = Ω


and if Ω × [de] – f + g  = ∑


Then  £18 ÷ ∑ = J per £

Try doing that without a calculator.


Neil Harris

(a don’t stop till you drop production)

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