Sunday, 9 July 2017

So funny.

I had the funniest time last night - tears running down my face with laughter.

To start with I watched a late night movie; Stanley Kubrick's 2001: a Space Odyssey. I only intended to watch the first half because I wanted to see one particular special effect that I love and I haven't seen it for years.

It's so dramatic and so simple....a masterpiece.

The film itself I'm not so impressed by, especially its religious theme which I don't go along with.

Anyway, I fell asleep for about 2 minutes - just enough time to miss the scene which was the only reason why I was watching the darned film in the first place.

I was a bit groggy when I woke up and suddenly I smelt this terrible smell filling the room. There was only one explanation; I've become completely incontinent - I've pooed myself.

All kinds of thoughts went through my head for five minutes.

This is the absolute end. Haven't I got enough to put up with already?

How much worse can it get? For goodness sake, I'll have to wear nappies.

How can I face Robyn?

Then after a while I realised that in fact I hadn't pooed myself and it dawned on me that Sydney the Grumpy Cat had used her litter tray and filled the whole house with a truly appalling stink.

I sighed a big sigh of relief.

I was still groggy and put my hand in my dressing gown pocket. Suddenly my fingers were covered in warm, sticky goo.

Oh No....I'm bleeding! I'm literally soaked with blood. What on earth is happening to me? I'm haemorrhaging at random now.

Where's the mobile - can I  reach it. Do I ring for an ambulance or ring for Robyn to come and help? How long have I got left?

I looked at my soggy hand and realised that (because I couldn't carry it with two walking sticks) I'd fetched myself an overripe apricot and put it in my pocket. I then forgot about it until I put my hand in and it disintegrated all over me.

As I said it was so funny.

Neil Harris
(a don't stop till you drop production)
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